


how long before you hurt for me?

by farozaan



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: (At least I think it is), Angst, Brazil, Break Up, Hinata's POV, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Non-Linear Narrative, Post-Time Skip, Slight Character Study, a lot of yearning, satisfying end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2020-10-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:08:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26671171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/farozaan/pseuds/farozaan
Summary: “You love me, and I love you. You're going back to Japan in a few days, and I’m staying here.”or a take on Hinata leaving Japan for a second time.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Miya Atsumu
Comments: 46
Kudos: 531
Collections: AtsuHina Exchange





	how long before you hurt for me?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [postcanons](https://archiveofourown.org/users/postcanons/gifts).



> my dear recipient, i hope you enjoy this fic and it's what you imagined.
> 
> and my dear readers, i hope you enjoy as well. ❤️
> 
> also, there is an international volleyball tournament happening in this which is a real thing but the rules of it are loosely depicted in this at best, so let's just roll with it, thank you.

It’s been 107 days since their first anniversary. Hinata remembers it vividly, down to what they were wearing, how their apartment smelled like the _sukiyaki_ Atsumu made for them, how Atsumu welcomed him home with a warm smile and a sweet kiss before Hinata could even step out of the _genkan_. He remembers smiling into the kiss, leaning easily into Atsumu’s familiar chest as they embraced each other. It was such a nice way to come home. 

It’s been 106 days since Miya Atsumu broke up with him.

It's been 106 days since they've last seen each other. When Atsumu’s eyes took him in one last time, he looked tired and beaten and he put something on the bench they were sitting on before getting up and leaving.

Although, it’s not all exactly right because Hinata sees Atsumu every day, even after 107 days.

On his phone screen, on his laptop, in Volleyball Weekly, sometimes even in his dreams. Hinata sees him every single day, and when he gets especially lonely he wonders when the last time Atsumu saw him was.

_Do you watch my games? Do you look me up? Do you hover over my number for minutes several times a day before chickening out?_

_Do you miss me? Just a little bit? Just a fraction, a second, a single moment?_

_Do you miss me at all?_

Hinata's thumb hovers over Atsumu's number before he chickens out. He puts his phone away and gets up to get back to serve practice. They have a game soon, he has to focus. It's an important one too, and they're in the middle of the season.

He _(just a fraction)_ has to _(a second)_ focus on _(a single moment)_ this.

_(at all)_

  
  


The day Hinata leaves for Brazil is the coldest reported January night in over twenty years.

He can feel the harsh wind settling even around his bones as he navigates through the streets with two big suitcases and a big backpack. You tend to have this much luggage when you move to a different country. Hinata knows this because it hasn’t been the first time he left Japan behind.

Bokuto offered to drive him to the airport but Hinata just declined with a polite smile because his flight was so early in the morning and Bokuto would have needed to get up in the middle of the night and then get through so much traffic; it was just so much trouble, no matter how much Bokuto insisted that he didn’t mind. 

He said his goodbyes the evening before when they all went out together. (Minus one person.) It was a nice evening, surrounded by his now former teammates of the Black Jackals and his other friends celebrating together before Hinata would chase after the Brazilian sun once again, though this time it was the indoor court he would play on. He said his goodbyes and see-you-soons with a lot of laughter, some beer, and warm company.

But now it’s cold. Freezing, even when he finally reaches Kansai International Airport for his first leg of his flight. First from Osaka to Paris and then after spending a night there further on to São Paulo. His new home. 

Brazil is not a foreign place for Hinata anymore, but Hinata lived in Rio before and has actually never been to São Paulo before, over 400km away from what used to be his home. His former roommate Pedro actually grew up in São Paulo and gave Hinata some tips and the two of them promised to meet up soon, along with Heitor and Nice and their little family they’ve built by now. 

Returning to Brazil was actually filling Hinata with a lot of excitement. He has more than fond memories of this place even when his start in that country had been rocky at best. 

A buzzling crowd speaking in a language he didn’t know yet, and a roommate that wouldn’t talk to him. Everything he knew was an ocean and some away. But it's where he grew into the man, into the player, he is today. This is where he played and trained until his muscles screamed and his skin was left riddled in scars from the harsh sand under his feet. He somehow always knew he’d return some day. 

The thought of arriving in Brazil wasn’t what had Hinata’s heart heavy. It’s what he left behind. And in a way it’s similar to what he left back when he first went to Brazil, but it’s also not like that at all. Leaving behind friends, family and teammates – yes. Leaving behind some your heart – no. 

Atsumu hasn't spoken to him after that night, when he left Hinata on that bench facing the _Yodo River._ He didn’t call or text, didn’t come to his goodbye party, and he didn’t contact Hinata before his flight took off. Hinata didn’t reach out either. 

There was no text when Hinata exited the plane and entered São Paulo, and there was also none when he was settled into his new apartment, this time without a roommate. There was still no text when Hinata finally slept off his jetlag, none when he met his new team for the first time, none when he joined for the first practice.

His first week has passed, and Hinata hasn’t spoken or seen Atsumu for almost three weeks now. Two weeks in Japan after they broke up, and one week here in Brazil and there was nothing.

Many of his other friends contacted him. There were almost daily texts from Bokuto, and of course also Kenma. Even Sakusa sent him a text here and there. (One to ask if he arrived well and another one asking if he settled in already.) 

There were calls from his family, especially Natsu. A few texts from Oikawa, one from Hoshiumi, and two texts from Kageyama who was still terrible at replying.

That’s it.

Hinata opens the chat with Atsumu and the last text is from twenty days ago. 

_Can we meet?_

_Please?_

_Let’s meet at the Torikai-ohashi Bridge at 7_

Nothing after that. It was also the last time Hinata saw him. They sat on that bench in the cold and Atsumu placed something down and told him goodbye. 

His fingers hover over the screen for a second. Considering. Hesitating. Hinata exits out of the chat and opens another one instead. He switches the keyboard and his fingers tap over the screen easily this time as he texts Pedro. He’s going to come to São Paulo to visit Hinata for a few days and Hinata can’t wait to see his old roommate again after so long. Something to look forward to.

The chat with Atsumu stays untouched. Even as time passes. 

No words are exchanged while Hinata slowly falls back into his own routine in his new home. As he grows into his new team, a lively bunch that he gets along with easily, who still remember him from his Ninja Shouyou days, who will yell ‘Voar Voar Shouyou!” whenever Hinata soares and flies up and up and up during matches. 

The burning feeling a sharp spike leaves on his palm still feels good, the red patches left from a receive still look right. Squeaking shoes, loud cheers, the scent of plastic, of sweat. All of that still feels Hinata with indescribable joy and it reminds me that this stage is where he is supposed to be. Especially when his teammates huddle around his after a game won and he knows they get to play yet another game. And another. And another. So many more until eternity or something akin to that. 

When Hinata is on court, everything feels right. An accumulation of everything he worked on ever since he was a child, ups and downs and blood and tears, that led him to this exact moment when he runs as fast as he can and _jumps_ from the solid ground of this gym somewhere in Brazil. When he is here, he is at peace. He is happy.

It’s when he steps off it that things turn a different color. After all that adrenaline fades away and he can feel how exhausted his body is. When Hinata massages his thighs back at home after making himself dinner with the TV running in the background. 

Hinata unlocks his phone and opens an old chat, staring at the last messages sent, before switching over to his browser and looking up yesterday's match of the Black Jackals against the Red Falcons. He plays the video while he continues his massage, eyes immediately zooming in on one particular player who is walking up for serve. 

A nostalgic smile overcomes Hinata as he watches the familiar pre-serve routine, as the brass band stops playing and all the cheers abruptly stop. Atsumu throws up the ball and serves it with even more ferocity than Hinata remembered. He must have worked even harder on them in the last few months. 

Untouched Service Ace.

“Nice Serve,” Hinata says into the space of his apartment, to the small screen of his phone.

Hinata moved to Brazil two months ago and by now he is well settled in, especially ever since the season started. 

It was a lot easier than last time. Now he already spoke the language, knew the country and its people, and everything was a lot more organized. He had a much higher income and could afford a nice apartment for himself and didn't need a delivery job to keep him above water. Kenma still insisted on sponsoring him, even when Hinata told him he didn't need it anymore, but Kenma just waved him off, so that additional money also helped out a lot. 

Things just went a lot smoother this time, and Hinata didn't have that first low like he did during his first few months in Rio. Everything would be perfect if not for that old LINE chat haunting him. 

Not a day passed when he didn't open it to stare at the last three messages exchanged. Sometimes he would venture even further and read old messages. Those were the nights he missed him the most. When he tried to remember what he smelled like, or what his hair felt like under Hinata's touch. When he missed his kansai drawl, and a quiet and sweet whisper crawling into his ear and wishing him goodnight.

It's been over two months since they broke up and Hinata still doesn't understand why. That night began with Hinata coming home in a good mood but quickly escalated into a fight with Atsumu walking out teary-eyed. He doesn't understand why Atsumu broke it off the way he did, but Hinata knows one thing he did wrong.

It was their anniversary and Hinata forgot.

Well, he hadn’t completely forgotten about it. He originally knew that it was coming up and that the two of them would have a nice evening together. But then a lot of things with Brazil happened, a lot of organization, a lot of meetings and international calls, especially on said day, and it slipped Hinata’s mind. So when he got home in high spirits to let Atsumu know about his good news, he forgot why the apartment was filled with the scent of good food and why Atsumu welcomed him home so warmly.

Atsumu showered him in many kisses and Hinata giggled in his arms, wondering if Atsumu could somehow tell that Hinata had something exciting to tell him.

“I have big news,” Hinata eventually said when they got to the couch and Atsumu cocked his head in interest, one of his hands combing through Hinata’s hair.

“Oh? What is it?”

“So you’re the first person I’m telling this to. Well, apart from Coach Foster, but I _had_ to tell him first, or it wouldn’t have worked.”

Atsumu looked confused, especially at the mention of their coach.

Hinata put his hand on Atsumu's thigh and leaned in. “I got an offer from Asas São Paulo. They want to recruit me for their starting line-up! They’re one of the best teams in Brazil! So for the last few weeks I organized everything and, well, today I finally signed the contract and the whole thing is finalized! I wanted you to be the first to know. Isn’t that so cool?”

Atsumu stared at him. He stared and blinked and looked so incredibly confused. “I don’t understand. You– You already signed the contract? You organized everything for the last few _weeks?”_

Hinata nodded, but it’s a bit more reluctant, seeing Atsumu’s muted reaction. “Uh, yeah. A little less than three weeks ago.”

Atsumu leaned back and away from him. “You knew about this for three weeks, no, you spent the last three weeks organizin’ all this, and you didn’t tell me?”

Hinata started to feel a little nervous, especially because he knew that look on Atsumu’s face. He was angry. “I wanted to surprise you with the news--”

“Oh, I am surprised alright!” Atsumu got up from the couch and started to pace. “You sure managed to blow my mind with this one, Shouyou-kun!” 

Hinata didn’t know what to say. He didn’t expect this reaction. He knew they would have to talk about their relationship of course, how they’d work with the distance, but he thought Atsumu would be excited for him. Atsumu always understood Hinata when it was about volleyball after all.

Atsumu stopped pacing and looked down at Hinata. There seemed to be countless thoughts going through his head and Hinata’s hands felt sweaty as he sat there, watching the emotions pass over Atsumu’s face.

“Tsumu–”

“I can’t be here right now,” Atsumu interrupted him.

Hinata stared at him with wide eyes. “What? What do you mean?”

“Exactly that,” and Atsumu turned around and started walking away. Hinata immediately followed him, hand reaching out to grab Atsumu’s wrist.

“Where are you going? Why are you just leaving? Are you that upset that I’m going to Brazil again?”

 _“What?”_ Atsumu’s voice was filled with so much venom, unlike Hinata has ever heard before and he instinctively flinched away. “You think I’m mad ‘cause you wanna go to Brazil? You really don’t know why I’m mad right now? Shouyou-kun, I’m so fucking furious and _hurt._ I’m so hurt I could cry.”

And it was true. Atsumu’s eyes looked glossier than before and his hands were shaking. Hinata’s mouth opened but he didn’t even know what to say, and Atsumu watched him for a moment until he sighed in disappointment and he turned around and left. Hinata stood in the _genkan_ even after Atsumu closed the door behind himself. The same _genkan_ Atsumu had welcomed him so lovingly before, only an hour or so earlier.

That wasn’t the last time Hinata spoke or saw Atsumu, but it certainly was the beginning of the end, in a way. To this day, Hinata still wrecks his brain about how all of it went so wrong. Hinata understands that forgetting about their anniversary was on him. It wasn’t what a good boyfriend, _a partner,_ did and Atsumu had every right to be angry about that. But that couldn’t have been all because during their fight (and their conversations after) Atsumu didn’t even mention the anniversary. Atsumu said he wasn’t mad about Hinata going to Brazil. And Hinata believes him because the two of them have always shared the same passion about volleyball so he knows that Atsumu understands why Hinata decided to go. 

Hinata sighs. The match goes into the fourth set and Hinata watches, once again, how Atsumu silences the crows and throws up the ball to serve. 

  
  


“Now what girl has you so bewitched that you always stare at your phone like that, Shouyou?”

Hinata looks up at Lucas - their team’s setter - in surprise. “Huh?”

Lucas laughs. “You always stare at your phone during breaks. Waiting for a text?” Lucas wiggles his eyebrows at him and Hinata just huffs and locks his phone.

“It’s nothing like that!”

“You sure? ‘Cause there’s a lot of longing written _all_ over your face.” Lucas laughs again when Hinata starts frowning, cheeks a little redder than before.

“It’s really not. It’s just–” Hinata struggles to find the right words. Out of everyone on the team, Hinata gets along with Lucas best. Well, he gets along with everyone of course, but Lucas and him just practice the most together, and they even live close to each other so they naturally started to hang out. Hinata already considers him a close friend but even he doesn’t know about what Hinata left behind. Actually, he only told Pedro and Heitor about it, and the latter only got a brief summary.

“I left on a bad note with a friend back in Japan. We were really close but just before I left we had a huge fight and we haven’t talked ever since.”

Lucas looks surprised, eyes wide as he stares at Hinata. “Wow.”

“What? I told you it’s not a girl.”

“No, it’s just that I’m surprised that you’re actually opening up.”

Hinata frowns. “What do you mean?”

“Oh it’s just you don’t really talk about that stuff with anyone. Not that you’re closed off our something! If anything, you’re the opposite of that. But you’re really private about certain things. Which is fine! But if you ever want to talk, you know where to find me.”

Their coach calls them back to the court and Lucas gets up, holding his hand out for Hinata. Hinata blinks and looks at it for a second before smiling and taking it. “Thanks, Lucas.”

Lucas pulls him up and drags him along with him. “C’mon little partner, time to fly.”

Hinata looks at Lucas' back, as they walk to the others together, and he takes apart Lucas’ words. Hinata had several partners in his volleyball career. Some in passing, some recurring, some he hopes for. (Some he left and misses.) Right now, his partner on court is Lucas Alves, standing 197cm tall with dark skin covered in tattoos, reddish-brown curly hair, broad shoulders, obsessed with kpop, a mischievous side, and a loud laugh. 

Hinata didn't even notice he kept some parts of himself quiet until Lucas pointed it out to him just now. It’s been months since he became part of the team, they’ve won various matches and tournaments, and right now stand proudly as the number one team in Brazil. Hinata loves this team, and loves being a part of it. He has settled in, with the city and his teammates – or so he thought.

“Lucas,” Hinata calls out to him during drills. “Let’s hang out after practice today.”

Lucas grins at him. “Sounds good.”

“So.” Lucas claps his hands together once and stares at Hinata expectedly. They just ate dinner and are now sitting next to each other on Hinata’s couch while the TV plays a random movie in the background. “You had a fight with a friend.”

Hinata sighs. “Yeah.”

Lucas raises one of his eyebrows. “And you were really close?”

Hinata thinks about what to say next. Or how to word it. What to reveal and what to better keep to himself. He stares down at his lap and starts picking at his pants. “He was my teammate in MSBY but we met for the first time in high school. He was my setter and we lived together. He was– he _is_ very, uh, important to me.”

“So he was a _friend_ you said?”

Hinata glances up at Lucas who looks like he can see right through him. “Well, maybe a little more.”

“So your boyfriend then! So I was right!”

Hinata feels a little relieved at Lucas taking it with a stride. He already expected that because Lucas doesn’t seem to be the type but you can never know, especially in sports. 

“No you weren’t right. You asked if it was a girl and it wasn’t.”

“But I was on the right track! Anyway, so you guys had a fight before you moved here. Was it about you leaving?”

Hinata shrugs. “I don’t know. He said he wasn’t mad about that. It was– It just ended in a mess. And we haven’t spoken ever since, and it’s almost been six months now. I just miss him sometimes so I open our chat and read our messages.”

Lucas frowns. “That’s really fucking sad, Shouyou. Why don’t you just reach out? You’re not usually one to shy away from things.”

“I don’t think he’d want to hear from me. When I say our break-up was messy, then I mean it was really _messy._ So I doubt he wants me to contact him.”

Lucas hums and takes out his phone. “I mean, I don’t know the guy. But it sounds like you guys didn’t get any closure so maybe he is waiting and reading your messages like you are– So, Atsumu Miya, huh?”

Hinata jumps up in surprise, looking down at Lucas’ phone with Atsumu’s face on the screen. “How do you know that?”

“Shouyou, you said he’s the setter of MSBY, it’s not rocket science. Anyway,” Lucas whistles, “He sounds like a big shot. Atsumu Miya was known as Japan’s best high school setter, as well as its best server, and was invited to the All-Japan Youth Intensive Training Camp throughout his high school career,” Lucas reads off his phone screen, while holding Hinata away with one arm who is still trying to snatch away the phone.

“Stop struggling, Shouyou. Even if I don’t read it now, I will definitely read it later. Anyway, after graduation he became the starting player of MSBY Black Jackals, a professional and high-ranking volleyball team in Division 1 of Japan’s V League. He is known to be one of the best servers in all of Asia and possibly beyond. _Damn!”_

Hinata is torn between being proud and embarrassed. Atsumu only recently received the latter title since perfecting his hybrid serve put him on par with even Kageyama. He was probably really excited of it, probably gloated about it. Hinata was really happy too when he read an article about it a while ago. 

“Yeah, he’s really good.”

Lucas is still reading through Atsumu’s profile and looking through photos. “Is this your type? High caliber setters? Oh my God, Shouyou! Am I your type?”

Hinata snorts. “What are you talking about? I don’t have a type. And you’re, like, twelve years old.”

“I am nineteen! And I’m turning twenty this year. So rude. And you definitely have a type. There’s Tobio--”

“He’s my _best friend!_ And rival. _”_

“Alright, Tooru then.”

“We’re friends!”

“Oh okay, so lunch dates across country borders are a friends-thing now.”

Hinata groans. “There’s nothing between me and Oikawa.”

Lucas looks at him like he doesn’t believe him and Hinata just gives up. 

“Anyways,” Lucas zooms in Atsumu’s thighs. “so Shouyou… you like them big and chunky, huh?”

“Lucas!” 

It continues a little like that. At some point, Lucas makes them watch an entire match because he wants to see Atsumu play and he almost loses his mind over Atsumu’s serve routine.

“He does that _every time?”_

“Yes, it’s for his focus. He puts a lot of care in all of his plays. And his serves are one of his specialties.”

“And you can dig them?”

Hinata huffs. “Of course I can! I can dig anything!”

Lucas throws his head back and laughs. “Oh, I’m sorry oh great Ninja Shouyou!” 

Hinata realizes now that this is the first time he’s watching videos of Atsumu without feeling terrible. Before, he was always sitting alone and watching videos or reading articles while feeling miserable because seeing Atsumu behind a screen made Hinata feel even lonier. But Lucas gives Hinata the opportunity to talk about him, to brag about how amazing Atsumu is and it feels nice.

Hinata pulls out his own phone. “Let’s take a selfie.”

Lucas immediately lights up and moves closer, throwing an arm around Hinata’s shoulder. “Let’s pick a filter! Oh wait, let’s take a video, or a Boomerang for Instagram!” 

Hinata goes along with it, trying out several filters until Lucas is satisfied with the end product (“I have to look effortlessly good. For my fans.”) and Hinata posts it on Instagram.

“Oh we look so good,” Lucas likes the post from his own phone. “And, oh my God, I’m your favorite? Wait what’s _kouhai?”_

“It means something like a younger friend.”

Lucas immediately preens. “That’s right! I am the favorite _kouhai_ of the famous Ninja Shouyou!”

Hinata laughs and it’s been a while since he felt so light, especially after watching anything Atsumu related. Maybe he can finally begin to settle, even off court.

Time passes, but not a lot changes. 

The spring comes and goes, and summer is about to hit them at full force. Hinata almost forgot just how brutal the Brazilian summer can be, and he finds himself feeling dead on his feet once they set out for their training camp before the next season begins.

But it’s a good distraction, at least. Hinata is too tired and sweaty by the end of each day to let his mind wander to a cold winter by a river back in Japan, or a setter bigger and brighter than the world. 

It also helps when they travel for a training match close to the ocean and Hinata absolutely annihilates his team in beach volleyball the day after. Hinata always feels free when he is at the beach. It’s like his entire being settles as he takes in the sound of the waves, that salty scent and refreshing breeze enveloping all of him, the warm sand under his bare feet. It’s like someone hit his reset and his mind is clear. 

He remembers vaguely a promise he made as the cool water washes over his feet, a wave just passing back and forth, and they sink into the wet sand, the water turning that familiar terrain into something loose and unreliable. He remembers a promise, to take someone by the hand and show him this sight in front of him some day. Share this _feeling,_ unlike anything Hinata has ever known or seen before. This singular moment as he looks out towards the seemingly endless horizon and he just feels free. _I wanted to show you this someday._

Hinata takes out his phone and takes a photo and he considers. He opens that one chat and he hesitates. He wants to send the photo he took and say, _“Isn’t this beautiful?”_ but he knows that isn’t a good idea. _“I miss you.”_ He types out and deletes it again.

Instead he opens his Instagram account and uploads the photo with a single word caption: _livre_

Immediately the notifications start pouring in, from friends and fans alike. 

“Hope you’re training _.”_ Kageyama.

“shouyou!! why did u go 2 the beach without me!!!!! D:” Lucas.

“Whhooooaaahh!! This looks amazing!! I hope you have a good time!!!! Miss you!!” Bokuto.

Hinata smiles fondly at the last message. It’s been a minute since he talked to Bokuto as well, the training camp keeping Hinata plenty busy. He checks the time in Japan before opening his contact in LINE and hitting the call button.

It only rings two times before Bokuto picks up. _“Hinata!!”_

Hinata immediately starts smiling at the comforting voice blasting through the line. “Hey Bokuto-san! How are you?”

 _“I’m great! It’s still early in the morning for you, right? You at the beach right now?”_ Hinata hears a lot of chatter in the background and it seems like Bokuto is out somewhere, but it’s starting to fade away as if he is moving away from it

“I am. We had a practice match closeby and another one later today, so I took the chance and did my morning run here.”

_“Ah, it looks like paradise! I need a vacation but we have camp coming up soon too. By the way, I watched your last match against that Mexican team! It was awesome!”_

And just like that, the two of them fall into an easy conversation about volleyball, about training, then food. Hinata tells Bokuto about Lucas and the rest of his team, while Bokuto tells them about the recent tryouts MSBY had. 

At some point Hinata sits down on the sand, feet stretched out to be caught in the waves while the sun beats down on him and the time passes.

“Are you out right now?” Hinata asks, idly playing with the sand with his free hand.

_“Yup! Nothing special. Just out with a small group for some drinks. The usual people, you know. Akaashi, Omi-kun, Myasam, Tsu- uh, you know! Everyone, haha!”_

Hinata knows what name he was about to say and he ignores the weird feeling in his chest. “It’s okay, you know. You can say his name.”

Bokuto lets out a nervous laugh. _“Ah, I know. I mean, uh, didn’t want to make it awkward or something. Except I did? Sorry!”_

“It’s okay, really.” Hinata hesitates. It’s been a little over six months since he left already. More than six months since that once evening. “How, um, how is he?”

Bokuto sighs into the phone. _“Hinata–”_

“Forget it, sorry! Let’s not talk about it.”

There is a pause and Hinata can practically see Bokuto struggling. Can see his little pout, the frown as he thinks and thinks and thinks. _“Hinata, you should ta–”_

_“Bokkun! Why’d you run off?”_

Hinata swears his heart stops beating. Everything stops. Hinata tries to take a breath but it feels like his chest and lungs are stuck as the voice somewhere behind Bokuto registers in his mind. He can’t feel the waves kissing his feet, he can’t feel the breeze and can’t smell the salt and water, he can’t do anything.

_“Ah, uh, I’m just– got a call! I’ll be right back!”_

_“Who are you talking to for so long?”_

Hinata can’t _breathe._

 _“No one! Just a high school friend,”_ Bokuto lies to Atsumu. “I’ll be back in a sec.”

“Bokuto-san,” Hinata somehow says, voice more stable than he actually feels. “I don’t want to take your time anymore. Let’s talk later again, okay?”

_“But–”_

“I’ll call you later. Or text you. Take care and tell– tell the others I said hi.” 

Hinata wants to just hang up, but Bokuto doesn’t deserve that, so Hinata waits for a moment as Bokuto ponders, thousands of kilometers and oceans away back in Japan. Standing next to Atsumu. 

_“Take care of yourself, okay? I miss you.”_

Hinata grips the sand under him, but just as always, it’s unforgiving and just slips away through the cracks, and runs between his fingers. “I miss you too. Goodbye, Bokuto-san.”

They both stay on the line for another moment or two, until Hinata puts down the phone and hangs up.

He stares down at the screen, still trying to progress how their nice conversation derailed so much. And yet, Hinata can’t help but feel just the slightest bit of relief after hearing that voice. A voice he had yearned for, was scared to forget after so much time. Atsumu likely won’t find out it was Hinata on the phone, and maybe that’s for the better. Bokuto must know what he can and can’t say. Apparently, they don’t talk about Hinata. Apparently, Atsumu doesn’t want to hear it. 

Hinata opens that chat. He reads their last few messages. 

_Can we meet?_

_Please?_

_Let’s meet at the Torikai-ohashi Bridge at 7_

After Atsumu ran out of their apartment, Hinata was left confused and lost. He stared at the door for a while, unable to do anything. He didn’t know what just happened. How all of it went so wrong. He tried to go over it in his head. Hinata spent all today and yesterday finalizing everything for his transfer. He finally got it all done and hurried home to tell Atsumu the good news. They wanted to have dinner together anyway because–

Because. 

It was their anniversary. 

The guilt immediately washed over Hinata like shivers and he broke out in goosebumps. Today was their anniversary. He _should_ have known that, no, he knew that, but during all those preparations he forgot. They planned to have dinner together and then watch a movie. Nothing crazy, just the two of them together without any distractions.

That’s why Atsumu had greeted him so warmly. Had kissed him silly the second Hinata stepped inside the apartment. And Hinata had forgotten about it. Instead he had dumped those big news on Atsumu which clearly would require a serious talk. 

Hinata messed up. 

As he finally located the problem, Hinata didn’t hesitate. He immediately grabbed his phone and jacket and walked out, knowing exactly where Atsumu had gone. After all, he knew his partner in and out. 

Usually Hinata would have walked to Osamu’s place, but time was of essence, and he wanted to talk to Atsumu as soon as possible, so he already booked a taxi while walking down the stairs from his apartment. 

He didn’t have to wait long, but even those three minutes waiting downstairs and then the quick ride were almost unbearable. He barely said his thank you to the driver when they arrived and Hinata practically fell out of the car and ran up to Osamu’s door, ringing the bell.

The cold wind this late in the evening is ruthless and Hinata shivered as he waited for someone to open the door.

He didn’t have to wait for long. Only a few seconds later a familiar face stood in front of him, but it’s not the person he needed to speak to right now.

Osamu looked down at him with an unimpressed face and Hinata deserved it.

“Can I– Could I speak to Atsumu? Please?”

Osamu stared at him for a moment, thoughts running through his head, before he sighed and turned back. “Sumu–”

“Yeah, I got it.”

Hinata’s breath got stuck in his throat. 

Osamu gave him one last lingering look before turning away and disappearing somewhere inside his place, and instead Atsumu took his place.

Before Atsumu could even say anything, Hinata leaned forward and grabbed his arm. “I’m sorry. Tsumu, I’m so so sorry.”

Atsumu didn’t say anything and only looked down at Hinata’s hand.

“What I did– I mean, I didn’t mean to– Okay, no. I shouldn’t make excuses. I’m sorry for forgetting our anniversary. I didn’t mean to, but the last two days were really stress– no, that’s an excuse as well. It doesn’t matter. I’m sorry. That was horrible of me. And I also shouldn’t have told you about Brazil tonight. Not on our evening.”

Atsumu frowned. “What’d you mean?”

Hinata licked his lips. “I mean, today was supposed to be just about us, but I was just thinking about _me_ and _my_ news. This is a big conversation, and definitely not one we should have had tonight. I shouldn’t have just dumped that all on you. I’m really sorry.”

Atsumu's face grew cold, colder than Hinata had ever seen. At least directed at him. Even worse than back at the apartment earlier that night

Hinata suddenly felt nervous. “Tsumu?”

“You still don't get it. You don't get it at all?” And that's when Atsumu shut himself away. 

His eyes turned dull and Hinata couldn’t read them at all, as if Atsumu pulled up a wall between them, and he had never done that before. Not with Hinata, never with Hinata, and maybe it was then when Hinata realized the things he took for granted. 

Hinata felt his insides grow colder, even colder than the night outside. His hands started to shake. “N-No, I know that leaving for Brazil again is–”

“Enough.”

Hinata’s words died on his tongue and his mouth hung open. “What?”

“Enough. I’ve had enough, Hinata.”

_No. Why are you calling me that? Why aren't you calling me Shouyou?_

“Please go.”

Hinata still couldn’t read Atsumu's eyes. They were too far and too cold.

“No– What are you– Atsumu–”

Atsumu just looked at him with those foreign eyes, looked over all of Hinata, every inch of him like he was trying to memorize the image in front of him. Then he blinked, and looked away.

“Goodbye. Hinata Shouyou.” He turned his head, shut the door, and the echo of the lock sounded like finality.

That night wasn’t the last time they spoke, but it was the beginning of the end. 

It’s been more than six months, but Hinata still remembers every single detail about it. He remembers every word, touch, and look. That last look Atsumu gave him before he closed the door is burned into Hinata’s mind. 

He looks ahead and takes in the horizon in front of him and for the first time in a long while, the ocean, the beach, the sun, and the incredible vastness of it all doesn’t make him feel free. It leaves him lonely. 

Hinata picks up his phone again and calls another number.

It takes several rings until he picks up. _“I see the traitor who went to the beach without me has come groveling, huh?”_

Lucas' voice is so light, his deep rumble and the portuguese words just a little comforting. Hinata lets out a shaky breath.

_“Shouyou? Are you there? You good?”_

No, Hinata isn’t good. “Can you come pick me up?”

Something in his voice must have alarmed Lucas. _“Where are you? What happened? Can you send me your location?”_

Hinata nods even though Lucas can't see it, and he pulls his phone away from his ear and sends a pin to Lucas through text. “There.”

_“Shouyou, what happened? I’m worried.”_

Hinata hears how Lucas gets into a car, hears him turn it on and start driving. Their hotel isn’t far from the beach, so it shouldn’t take long. “Can we stay on the phone? Until you’re here?”

Lucas doesn’t hesitate. _“Of course. I had the weirdest dream last night. Like, straight up trippy.”_

Hinata smiles, never been more glad that Lucas can always talk, about any- and everything. “Tell me about it.”

So Lucas does. He gets into a wild tale and Hinata isn’t sure if it actually happened or not, or if Lucas is making it all up just so he has something to talk about while he’s on his way to him. After only ten minutes, he hears how Lucas turns off the car and gets out, and Hinata turns around toward the parking spots close to the beach. 

He can vaguely see a tall figure running towards him. 

“I can see you,” Hinata says and waves.

_“Should we hang up?”_

Hinata hesitates. “Not yet.”

_“Alright.”_

Lucas picks up his speed and Hinata can hear him squeak when he almost slips in the sand, can hear him cuss it out and ask how Hinata managed to actually play on it, and he whines right up until he reaches Hinata and collapses in the sand next to him. 

Lucas is out of breath and he looks up at Hinata with his phone still pressed to his ear. “I’m here.”

Hinata hangs up. “You’re here.”

Lucas pockets his phone and gets up to sit next to Hinata, bumping his shoulder into Hinata’s. “You wanna talk about it?”

Hinata sighs. “I called one of my old teammates. Bokuto.”

Lucas nods and waits. 

“He was out with the others. With– with _him._ I heard him in the back. It’s the first time I heard him talk in six months. Bokuto lied about who he was on the phone with when he asked, but that’s okay. I asked how he was doing, but Bokuto just sighed. I don’t know. I shouldn’t have called.”

Lucas sighs and leans into him. “You think he doesn’t want to even hear about you.”

Hinata shrugs. “Seems like it.”

They both fall into silence after that, just sitting next to each other and looking ahead at the ocean. It still feels lonely, but it’s a little better with Lucas next to him.

“Shouyou, what do you want to do?”

Hinata turns his head and frowns. “What do you mean?”

Lucas isn’t looking at him, he is still looking ahead and he looks relaxed and way older than his nineteen years. “I don’t want to tell you what to do. It’s not my place, and I told you I won’t pick a side because I just don’t know your ex or what really happened. But I think you should do something, regardless. So what do you want?”

Lucas now turns to him now. “Do you want to fix it, or do you want to move on? I don’t mean right away, or tomorrow, or next week. Just some day.”

It’s a question Hinata was too afraid to ask himself, but Lucas just did, and now it’s out there right in front of Hinata. 

“You don’t have to give me an answer either. This is just for you. If you want to fix it some day, then just take your time and think about the why and how. Why did you guys fall apart, and how will you try and fix it. But if you want to move on, you should stop reading those texts. You should actually delete the entire chat. You should stop watching all his videos and stop saving those photos and articles. Stop looking him up on social media. Stop all of it. Because the way you are now, you are stuck. And Shouyou Hinata isn’t the kind of guy to get stuck in one place.”

Hinata’s eyes widen at the last sentence.

Lucas gives him a comforting smile. “Shouyou Hinata is meant to fly.”

Hinata thinks a lot about Lucas’ words. He thinks about them while they sit a little longer at the beach before getting up and heading back to the hotel. Hinata thinks about them when he has lunch and when they start practice before the match.

Before the match Lucas gives his shoulder a little squeeze. “Ready, little partner?”

Hinata takes a deep breath. He has thought a lot, throughout the morning and half a day, and when he steps onto the court he throws all those worries away. It’s easy to do, it always has been. On court, nothing else seems to matter. At least for that limited amount of time, when the ref’s whistle blows into his ear and all he can see is the net and everything within the lines of the court. “Of course.” He answers with a smile, and once again it’s easier to breathe.

In this box, inside these lines, Hinata can always fly.

Lucas said he isn’t one to be stuck somewhere, and he’s right.

Hinata thought a lot about it and he looks at his and Atsumu’s last texts. 

_Can we meet?_

_Please?_

_Let’s meet at the Torikai-ohashi Bridge at 7_

More than six months ago, one day after Atsumu left and went to Osamu, one day after he called him Hinata instead of Shouyou, and closed the door into Hinata’s face, they met by the _Yodo River._

Atsumu was already waiting for him when Hinata got there, decked in a long warm coat that didn’t belong to him (likely Osamu’s) and wrapped in a long scarf they bought together a few weeks prior. Hinata was wearing a matching one.

He sat down on the bench next to him and neither of them said anything. Hinata looked at Atsumu, waiting, while Atsumu looked ahead towards the river and the night sky and lights of downtown Osaka.

“When are you leaving?” Atsumu eventually asked, just when Hinata was about to lose his mind.

“In about two weeks.”

Atsumu closed his eyes for a moment and he looked pained. Hinata hated seeing him like that. 

“I know it’s gonna be difficult. I know you’re upset I’m leaving, and that I’m going to play on a different team.”

Atsumu let out a soundless laugh and shook his head, eyes still so unbelievably sad. “This isn't about you playing on a different team, or about the distance between here and Brazil. It's about the distance between you and me, even when you're right in front of me.”

Hinata frowned. “I don’t understand–”

“Yeah, I know,” and Atsumu didn’t sound mad or cold, just tired. “That's the point. Hinata, this isn't about you leaving again.”

“Then what is it about?” Hinata snapped, even though he didn’t want to, but he was just so frustrated and confused, and God, he was tired too. “You keep saying I don't understand, but you won't explain it to me!”

Atsumu didn’t look at him. He still looked ahead towards whatever, far far away, and his hand reached into the pocket of his jacket. He pulled out a little black box.

“I wanted to marry you, Hinata.”

Hinata stared at the ring box in Atsumu's hand like he'd never seen one before. “Huh?”

“I wanted to marry you someday.”

Atsumu put the ring box on the bench between them and stood up. _No, don't. I still don't understand. Why won't you talk to me, why won't you explain?_

“Happy Anniversary.”

It was the last thing Atsumu said to him. The last time they saw each other. Atsumu never came back to the apartment. He never reached out, not even the day Hinata left.

Hinata left Tokyo with a little satin box with a ring inside and it’s hidden away in the nightstand next to his bed. Hinata didn’t even open it once. 

He looks down at their last text, reads them one last time.

“I miss you,” Hinata says into the empty space of his room. “I miss you every day.”

He deletes the chat.

  
  
  


Before Hinata can even put down his bags, there is a knock on his door to his hotel room.

Hinata has several guesses as to who it could be.

Candidate number one: Lucas Alves. Serial offender of hotel room invasion less than ten minutes in. Can be forgiven because he is an overgrown puppy. 

Candidate number two: Oikawa Tooru. A rarer sight, but reliable whenever the two of them happen to be in the same place. Usually buys Hinata food, so it’s not unwelcome.

Last candidate: Kageyama Tobio. Probably here to pick a fight, and Hinata is ready for it.

“Who is it?” Hinata calls out in English just to be safe.

“The man of your dreams,” someone sings back in Japanese and Hinata grins. Candidate number two. Hinata puts down his bag and opens the door.

“Shouyou!” Oikawa calls out, arms open and smile so wide it’s almost blinding. Hinata grins back and easily falls into his arms. 

“Did you look out of your window and wait for me to get here, or how did you know?”

Hinata steps aside to let Oikawa in and they both sit down on the still pristine bed. “No, that little runt immediately informed everyone and their mother on Instagram that he is, and I quote, In Tha House.”

Hinata snorts. He shouldn’t be surprised. No one updates their social media faster than Lucas. “I should have known.”

“You up for some food, or are you meeting with your elaborate catalogue of friends?”

Hinata lightly shoves Oikawa’s shoulder. “No, I have time. But it’s your turn to pay.”

“Uh, certainly not. I paid the last time.”

They both get up again and Hinata just grabs his phone and wallet before walking out with Oikawa next to him. “No, I paid for the ice cream last time.”

“And I paid for dinner? Ice cream doesn’t count!”

“Yes, it does.”

“In what world does ice cream count?”

Hinata presses the button to the elevator. “In every world.”

“No, in Hinata Shouyou world maybe.”

Hinata gives him a cheeky grin. “That's the best world.”

Oikawa rolls his eyes and shoves Hinata into the elevator when the doors open with a bing. 

“When did you get here?” Hinata asks as the elevator starts to descend

Before Oikawa can answer, the elevator stops earlier than expected and the doors open again to reveal a familiar face. Oikawa next to him groans.

“Hinata Shouyou. Oikawa Tooru. What a coincidence,” Ushijima says as he joins them in the elevator. Hinata knew that Ushijima’s team from Poland also qualified for the tournament but he didn’t expect for them to be in the same hotel.

“Hey Ushijima-san, long time no see!”

Oikawa next to him looks like someone force fed him rotten food. “Ushiwaka-chan.”

For a moment the three of them just stand there and Hinata isn’t sure if it’s just awkward or already going into the uncomfortable territory. 

“Did you get here alright? It's a long way from Poland, right?” Hinata asks in an attempt to ease some of the weird atmosphere.

“It was indeed a long journey but we arrived well this morning.”

“I sure hope the jetlag won't make play like crap during the tournament,” Oikawa cuts in with his usual playful (petty) tone. Hinata knows it's to try and rile Ushijima up, but Ushijima looks unperturbed.

“That won't be an issue, but thank you for your concern.” 

Oikawa grimaces even more. Hinata is definitely going to stay out of this. “I wasn't concerned. I– oh forget it.”

The elevator stops again, still not at the lobby and Hinata wonders just how long this elevator ride is going to take.

The doors open and none other than Kageyama Tobio stands in front of them, eyes round in surprise.

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” Oikawa curses.

Kageyama enters the elevator with a bow to Ushijima, a tentative look towards Oikawa, and finally his usual glare he gives Hinata.

Their ride continues. “Did you just get here?” Kageyama asks him.

Hinata nods. “About thirty minutes ago.”

Kageyama nods. “So I win, I got here three hours ago. That's 1894 wins for me now.”

Oikawa groans. “I’m getting a migraine.”

“How do you two determine the rules of your competitions?” Ushijima asks and Hinata is more than happy to explain but Oikawa waves his hand with a look close to despair.

“Please don't! I don't want to hear it. Why is this elevator so cursed?”

Right on cue, the elevator stops once again and this time it's finally the lobby and the doors slide open, only to reveal Lucas standing right in front of them in all his glory, looking up from his phone.

Oikawa lets out a string of curses in both Japanese and Spanish as a wide grin spreads across Lucas’ face. “Now that's what I call a party,” he says in English.

Kageyama frowns. “What party?”

“Oh shut up, I want to get out of here!” Oikawa grabs Hinata by his arm and drags him out with Ushijima and Kageyama following behind them.

Lucas is apparently too amused by the entire situation and sticks around instead of entering the elevator. “So, what’s the plan? We getting lunch?” Lucas asks, knowing full well that Oikawa most definitely doesn't want him to join. 

_“We_ are not getting anything. Shouyou and I are getting lunch. I don't care what you three will do.”

Hinata, Ushijima, and Kageyama look back and forth between the two of them like it's a tennis match. Hinata then realizes that Ushijima probably has no idea who Lucas is and they're also talking in rapid Spanish.

Lucas grins and throws his arm around Oikawa's shoulder. “Oh don't be like that, sweetcheeks. I haven't seen you since the SouthAm Tournament!”

Oikawa pushes his arm off. “Shouyou, we’re leaving.” He puts his hand on Hinata's back and starts pushing. “Adios, and can't wait to make you all cry on court!”

Lucas snorts and both Ushijima and Kageyama just look utterly confused by the entire exchange. Hinata looks back to see Lucas talk to the two of them now, and he has no idea how that would go, but he has no chance to find out.

“God, we’re taking the stairs next time! What a nightmare.”

Hinata laughs. “I thought it was kinda funny.”

Oikawa just huffs and the two of them set out and leave the hotel behind, this time without encountering any other players with complex personal history. Instead they take a taxi to one of the restaurants they used to go to back when Hinata still lived in Rio and Oikawa would visit him, and the atmosphere is good. They exchange pleasant talk, talk about the upcoming World Championship and their past matches.

It’s midway through their lunch when Oikawa steers the topic towards something else. “So, Shouyou, it’s been a while since we could actually meet up, right. How are you?”

Hinata frowns. “I’m, uh, good? Why?”

“I mean with, you know, the break-up? The last time we saw each other, you were still pretty down about it and you wouldn’t even tell me what happened.”

Hinata grimaces but he supposes he shouldn’t be surprised the topic would come up. Ever since Hinata moved back to Brazil, he and Oikawa met only three times. 

The first time was a personal visit only one month after his move, and Hinata had still been pretty depressed and closed off about the whole thing with Atsumu. The second time was during the SouthAm Tournament so they didn’t really get the chance to hang out as much as they usually would and they only managed to briefly catch up after the whole thing was over. The last time was about two months ago and Hinata was already feeling much better and definitely more settled in, but he still hadn’t actually told Oikawa what happened. 

Ever since that morning at the beach with Lucas, Hinata thought really long and hard about what he wants to do in the future. Not in terms of volleyball or anything, but Hinata realized that he really was stuck in that night back then by the river when Atsumu left him with a ring box, and he knew he couldn’t go on like that. 

It was difficult to delete their chat. The texts were something like an anchor for Hinata for so long. Something he could go back to when he was feeling down after practice or matches, when he really missed Atsumu. He also stopped looking up everything about Atsumu. He couldn’t cut it out completely because he still wanted to know how his old team was doing, and he still kept in contact with Bokuto and also Sakusa. 

Just because he deleted the chat, doesn’t mean Hinata wanted to delete Atsumu from his life. He couldn’t do that. _(He still loved him. He still missed him. He still wondered.)_ But it was the first step of moving on with his life. Atsumu hadn’t reached out to him, and he knew Bokuto lied to Atsumu and never said he was talking to him. So Hinata had an idea that Atsumu didn’t want to hear from him too.

“I’m a lot better, actually. I mean, it’s not like I forgot about Atsumu, and I’m still not entirely sure how it all ended up like this, but I’m ready to move on.”

Oikawa raises one eyebrow and takes a sip from his drink. “What exactly happened anyway? Was it because you moved back to Brazil?”

Hinata sighs, leaning back in his seat as he once again thought back to those two evenings. “He said that that wasn’t the issue, and I believe him, you know? Atsumu gets how important volleyball is for me, because he’s exactly like me. He wouldn’t throw a fit just because I’d want to go somewhere that could take me further. I definitely know one thing I did wrong, though. And he had every right to be mad at me.”

So Hinata starts to tell Oikawa what happened around one year ago. How Hinata had started to prepare everything for his transfer to Brazil after Asas extended an offer to him, how in all that stress he forgot their anniversary, and then how he came home and told Atsumu the news about his transfer, and how it escalated after that. (He didn’t tell Oikawa about the ring box. That is something he cannot tell anyone.)

Oikawa is speechless after Hinata laid it all for him which is already impressive on his own since he always has something to say. “That’s. Wow. Shouyou.”

“I know. The anniversary thing was bad. It was horrible of me. But I don’t think that was what really upset him either.”

Oikawa freezes. “Wait. You really have no idea why he got so mad? Like, no clue _at all?”_

Hinata shrinks into himself as Oikawa’s eyes grow wider and wider. 

“Shouyou! Of course he was mad! Okay–” Oikawa drinks the last of his drink and leans forward. “Let’s break this down, okay? Because I can’t just tell you what the problem was, you need to _get it._ You said you got the offer from Asas three weeks before the evening of your anniversary, right?”

Hinata nods. He isn’t sure if he’s glad someone is finally going to give him something akin of closure to the break-up, or feeling stupid because apparently is such an obvious thing but Hinata just doesn’t get it. 

“And the two of you were already together for a year, right? You were serious about your relationship, you were even living together. And as far as I understood, you wanted to suggest something like a long distance relationship, right?”

Again, Hinata nods. 

“So let me put these two facts next to each other again: You two were in a seriously committed relationship. You also had this pretty big secret that would change the entire dynamic and future of your relationship. And you chose to reveal that on your anniversary which you forgot because of said big secret. After three weeks. Do you see where I’m going with this?”

Hinata doesn’t reply immediately, instead he actually thinks about what Oikawa presented him. Of course their relationship was serious. Hinata is still in love with Atsumu, even a year later. That’s why he wanted Atsumu to be the first to know about Brazil since it was an important step in his life. After all the preparations, the weeks of intense work--

Hinata starts. 

Oikawa smiles at him like he could see the lightbulb go up in Hinata’s mind. “In a serious relationship, you talk about everything.”

It’s like someone bunks a bucket of ice cold water over Hinata as he finally understands what Atsumu was talking about back then. How it really never was about Hinata leaving, it was about Hinata not telling Atsumu anything about it. He didn’t tell him when the offer came, didn’t include him in his decision to go for it, didn’t include him in the preparations, in his plans and goals. He only thought about himself. He didn’t just forget about the anniversary. He forgot about Atsumu, in a way.

“You were incredibly selfish, Shouyou,” Oikawa says after Hinata doesn’t speak for a while and is only drowning in his thoughts. “I mean, you always were when it’s about volleyball. It’s not a bad thing because it’s rooted in passion and determination. That passion has always inspired the people around you, right? Even when you didn’t mean to. Even me. But the point stands that what you did was selfish, and that was why Atsumu broke it off.”

Selfish. Oikawa is right. Hinata has always been a little selfish. Ever since he was young, he did everything in his power to reach the very top as a volleyball player. He trained, he ran, he fought, he rose, and he fell. He stripped himself off everything he knew and left his home to play beach volleyball just so it could make him stronger. It has always been the most important thing to him. Hinata doesn’t really know if he’s inspiring to anyone. He doesn’t try to be. If he can inspire anyone on his way, then he’s more than happy to, but that’s not what drives him.

The only thing that has ever driven him was his hunger. He pushed forward, no matter what.

No matter what. 

Even when his actions were selfish. 

“I get it now,” Hinata says, mind still miles away from the restaurant they are sitting in and the half eaten food in front of him. He finally understands. It took him a while, way too long actually, but he understands now why Atsumu was so hurt. Why he left back then. 

_It's about the distance between you and me, even when you're right in front of me,_ is what Atsumu told him on that bench facing the _Yodo River._ And he was right, because the moment Hinata decided - on his own - to leave without telling Atsumu, the person he undoubtedly loves the most in the world, he was already gone. He already pushed Atsumu away, out of the equation.

Hinata knows, without a doubt, that Atsumu would have supported his decision. He wouldn’t have told Hinata to stay, he would have helped him with the transfer, and would have supported him wholeheartedly because Atsumu gets Hinata’s passion. But Atsumu isn’t selfish. Atsumu is actually the most selfless person Hinata has ever known. 

“You’re definitely going to meet him during the tournament. MSBY qualified as well. Are you ready for that?” Oikawa asks him.

Hinata hesitates because he asked himself this question as well but that was before his epiphany. Is he ready to see Atsumu again? 

“I don’t know. But I guess I have to be.”

Oikawa raises one of his eyebrows. “You look determined.”

Hinata picks up his fork again and starts eating the rest of his food while still thinking about it. “I guess I am.”

  
  


The FIVB Volleyball Men’s Club World Championship started two days after Hinata and his team arrived in Rio. 

For Hinata it was his first time participating and his body is thrumming from the excitement as the entire starting line-up stands together for the opening ceremony, waiting to be called as one of the representatives of South America. They would be the first team to walk out since their country was hosting this year, and Hinata kind of wants the entire thing to go be over fast because he’s itching to play. Lucas next to him looks equally excited but Hinata is sure a little part of that is the big crowd waiting. Lucas has always been somewhat of an attention hog.

“Can you two stop vibrating? You’re driving me crazy!” Their captain turns to them and Hinata sees he’s a little nervous. Davi was announced as their captain only three months ago after their old one transferred to a different team and this was his first tournament as the face of Asas São Paulo. 

“Don’t worry, Davi! As long as you don’t trip on your way, nothing can go wrong,” Lucas says with a cheeky grin and Davi looks like he wants to hit him.

Actually, he already raised his hand but is interrupted as the name of their team is called and their coach and managers motion for them to walk out into the arena. Hinata tries not to laugh as he watches their captain in front of them walk forward like a robot. 

The second they step inside, Hinata squints his eyes from the bright lights and is buried in loud cheers. Of course a lot of their fans would be here, since Brazil is hosting. And Lucas’ fan club is nothing if not loyal as they yell out “Midas! Midas!” over and over again, and Lucas revels in it. 

“Lucas, I’m pretty sure either Davi or Samuel is going to kick you if you don’t stop,” Hinata says to him while Lucas waves to the crowd with a lot of gusto. 

“They can’t do that in front of everyone. I’m safe.”

Hinata isn’t so sure about that because Samuel is basically glaring a hole into Lucas' back, but he decides to just stay put and leave him be.

Nothing much happens for a while. Teams are called out and introduced one by one, and for a while Hinata’s mind wanders off. He does lean forward when Oikawa’s team walks out, sending him a little wave and he also makes eye contact with Kageyama and the two of them have an intense staring battle until Kageyama has to line up and they can’t see each other anymore. 

And then MSBY Black Jackals walk out and Hinata doesn’t know if he wants to lean forward or hide. 

Meian is at the very front, of course, and he looks a little nervous as well. (Not as much as Davi.) It’s the first time for MSBY to make it to the tournament after all and Hinata’s isn’t that surprised. It’s easy to spot Bokuto a little behind him who looks incredibly excited and also Sakusa who must hate everything about this, since he can’t stand crowds. 

And then Hinata spots him and his mind is empty for a moment. 

He doesn’t look particularly different. Maybe a little broader, but that could also just be Hinata’s memory playing with him. He has the same hair, the same easy and playful smile, the same air around him, and Hinata has to stop himself from walking forward.

He can feel Lucas looking at him from his left but Hinata ignores it. There isn’t really anything to say. MSBY lines up and Atsumu disappears from Hinata’s view but just the thought that they’re in the same room for the first time in a year is almost enough to take Hinata’s breath away.

The ceremony is soon over and the first set of games begin. 

Asas won’t be playing on the first day but they still decide to stick around to watch the matches that are happening since it’s not only good recon, but also fun. 

Hinata soon splits with his team and walks up to the entrance lobby looking for Kageyama. Kageyama’s team wouldn’t be playing until later that day and they decided to hang out and watch some of the matches together. 

“I got here first,” Hinata says when Kageyama finally walks up to him only two minutes after him and it was worth speed-walking through the halls just to see Kageyama’s annoyed expression.

“Whatever. C’mon let’s go.”

They walk back towards the arena, going up to the stands that are reserved for the players and maneuvering through the group of players that are either leaving or lingering around. 

“Which match should we watch?” Hinata asks as he looks over the match schedule on his phone. He pauses when he sees that MSBY will play a team from South Korea soon.

“Your old team is playing in a bit right? I thought that’s what we were going for.”

Hinata locks his phone and nods. “Yeah, sounds good. Maybe we can catch the end of Ushijima’s match too.”

Kageyama eyes him from the side as they find some seats a little towards the back. “Did you not go say hi to them before the match? Or to Miya?”

Hinata freezes. Oh. Right. Kageyama doesn't know because they never really talk about that stuff.

“Atsumu and I broke up.”

Hinata can practically watch as Kageyama processes what Hinata just told him, can clearly see his mind working as he tries to come up with an appropriate response. 

“Oh, uh. Okay. How did you– What happ– Uh, are you–”

“You don’t have to.”

Kageyama slumps in his seat in relief. “Oh thank God.”

Hinata tries not to snort. He’s sure Kageyama was genuinely trying to be a sensible friend there but break-ups are pretty much outside of the setter’s expertise. Which Hinata’s okay with. Their friendship worked because they often didn’t need to talk about everything. They got it without words.

“Still,” Kageyama tries, looking incredibly uncomfortable as he speaks. “That, uh, sucks?”

This time Hinata can’t help but snort. “Yeah, it kinda does.”

They both nod and that’s how they end that conversation and Hinata is glad because he’s not really in the mood to talk about his relationship again. His extensive talk with Oikawa and everything after was already mentally exhausting enough.

Instead they both focus on the match still running in front of them. It’s Ushijima’s team and it looks like they’re about to take the third set and the win. The two of them offer some commentary here and there and it’s comfortable. Hinata loves spending time with Kageyama like this. (Of course, playing with or against him is even better, but they’ll have to wait for that until later in the tournament.) At some point they start arguing about something insignificant, as always, and Hinata relaxes more and more.

He only tenses up a little bit again when the teams for the next match come up. Without meaning to, Hinata’s eyes find Atsumu as he walks onto the court to start warm ups. He doesn’t say anything and wills himself to look away, at least for a little bit, but it’s difficult because he’s the setter and he’s in the center of the court, giving each player the perfect toss. Hinata knows they’re all perfect because it’s Miya Atsumu and he always makes sure to give his spikers the best kind of toss possible. He’s considerate and selfless like that.

It’s easier to get swept away once the actual match starts because volleyball is always easier. It never fails him.

Every time Atsumu is up to serve, Hinata is excited, leaning forward to catch a glimpse at Atsumu's focused face, to see the perfect toss, the jump, and finally the powerful serve. Atsumu doesn't rely on the amount of steps anymore. Instead he uses them as a bluff against their opponents. Sometimes it's four, then six, then five, and Hinata wonders what he would do. How he would move to receive his serve. How he's _going to_ move to receive it because chances are high that their two teams will face each other as the tournament progresses and they both keep winning.

He visualizes it. Atsumu takes five steps and Hinata doesn't know what will hit him but he stays light on his feet to move wherever it might go. It's his powerful jump serve and Hinata moves to the left, upper body lowering while the ball hits his forearms and the ball shoots up. Hinata's legs shake from the power behind the serve because Atsumu never plays around and he especially won't against Hinata.

He forces his legs to push the rest of his body up and forward as he presses on and runs to the front and he jumps, and flies, _and flies,_ and the toss is right there and it's perfect, a goddamn piece of art. Hinata can see the other side, he can see everything because he's flying and everyone watches him as his hand connects with the ball and it shoots down to the other side and hits the opponent's side of the court. A perfect play.

And when Hinata lands he turns around and all those happy chemicals spread through his body, and he turns and smiles at Atsumu–

Hinata sobers up. Because that's not right. He’d smile at Lucas. Lucas is his setter and Atsumu is his opponent, someone from once upon a time.

Atsumu hits his fourth service ace in a row and people are going crazy. Atsumu celebrates and he looks so happy.

Thank God.

Hinata is selfish and Atsumu is happy.

After watching another match, Kageyama has to get back and Hinata decides to find his own teammates to hang out with. Maybe he can find Lucas and grab some lunch, and afterwards they can maybe use one of the sub-arenas to play for a bit until it's time for Kageyama's match.

Hinata walks through the hallways behind the arena, those who aren't accessible to spectators, since Lucas texted him that he's somewhere around here and hanging out with some other people.

Hinata stops here and there to greet a few known faces from players in the SouthAm league before hearing a very distinctive laugh coming from around the corner.

He rounds the corner and lo and behold, spots Lucas’ back towards the end of the hall. 

“Lucas,” Hinata calls out as he approaches and Lucas almost jumps high into the air at his voice and hastily turns around and runs up to him.

“Shouyou! You are here!”

Hinata frowns at him. “Uh, yeah? I texted you and asked you where you were?”

Lucas is definitely acting strange. He's standing way too close to Hinata, so much that he basically has to crane his neck to even see Lucas’ face, and Lucas seems jittery.

“Yes. That's what you did. Anyway let's go! Right now!”

Lucas grabs Hinata's shoulder and tries to turn him around and push him back the other way and naturally, Hinata pushes back because Lucas is _hiding_ something from him.

“What's with you? What did you do?” 

“Nothing!” Lucas replies (or rather yells) and keeps trying to push Hinata away. “We should just really go. Places to eat, foods to see. You know how it is!”

Eventually, Lucas’ 197cm stature wins out and Hinata's legs give in as he is pushed back the way he came from and Lucas wraps his arm around Hinata’s shoulder to guide him away from whatever he was hiding there.

Hinata sighs. “Will you at least tell me what you were hiding?” He asks once they’ve walked for a bit and were almost back in the entrance area.

Lucas looks guilty and he pulls Hinata closer to his side. “Don't get mad.”

Hinata frowns. “I’m not making any promises.”

Lucas groans and throws his head back for a moment. “Okay fine. I was talking to someone.”

He doesn't elaborate and Hinata stares at him in confusion. “Okay? So?”

The tall setter is definitely stalling, looking around nervously like it's a crime to talk to other people. _Who the hell was he talking to?_

“Okay, just to be clear, I ran into him by chance. I didn't seek him out or anything and I recognized him and just said hello! And I couldn't help it so I started a conversation and this was after you even texted me so we didn't even talk for that long–”

“Oh my God, Lucas, who was–”

“Atsumu! I was talking to Atsumu Miya.”

Hinata altogether stops walking and his jaw drops as he stares at Lucas in shock. “You _what?”_

“I told you! I ran into him by accident, so I just talked to him for a moment! We didn't even talk for that long.”

“What did you say to him? Oh God, you didn't mention me, right? And why did you pull me away like that in front of him? That was so suspicious!”

Lucas waves his hands around. “I don't know I panicked when I saw you walk towards us! I didn't know if you wanted to see him or not! Also, of course I didn't mention you. I just told him that I think his serves are really cool! That's it!”

Hinata walks to the side of the hallway and leans against the wall. He's torn between shutting the topic down, running back to see if Atsumu is still there, or asking holes into Lucas to describe every single word they exchanged.

Why was this so stressful?

“By the way, when I first said hello, he straight up just glared at me. Didn't look like he even liked me, but he softened up when I started gushing about his serves. After that you already got there and nothing else happened.”

Hinata can't help but smile at that. “Yeah, he's weak to compliments.” The tension starts to leave Hinata as he imagines the interaction. He can see it vividly in his mind, knows exactly what kind of faces Atsumu would make..

Lucas grabs Hinata's wrist and pulls him along and they start walking again. 

“Stop worrying about it. I just figured that it would be awkward to run into each other like that. And not just for you guys, for me too. I do not want to be stuck in between that.”

Hinata snorts but he knows that Lucas is right. Hinata doesn't know what he would have done if he came face to face with Atsumu now. Eventually it would happen, that was inevitable, but Hinata wants to be more prepared for it. As much as possible that is.

The rest of the day ticks by smoothly. Hinata and Lucas grab some lunch and only go back to watch Kageyama's match. Some of their teammates join them halfway and they sit together and watch until the last match is over. The others go back to the hotel, while Hinata has different plans.

He may not be entirely ready to see Atsumu yet, but Atsumu is not the only one Hinata has missed since leaving Japan.

“Hey Hinata! Over here!”

His voice is loud as ever and immediately fills Hinata with so much joy and warmth and his legs get faster until he’s running right into Bokuto's open arms.

“There you are!” Bokuto's voice carries through the entire room and he even picks Hinata up for a moment and they both start laughing as Bokuto starts twirling them.

“We are literally in public,” another voice comes from behind them. Bokuto puts Hinata down and Hinata turns to Sakusa, smile so wide his cheeks are starting to hurt. He doesn't run into Sakusa's arms because he knows he wouldn't appreciate that as much as Bokuto did.

“Omi-san! It's so good to see you!”

Hinata can't see it but he's sure that under Sakusa's mask there is a little smile and he offers Hinata a nod and a, “It's been a while,” which might as well be a hug.

“I watched your match earlier with Kageyama! It was awesome!”

“Wasn't it?!” Bokuto preens. “Did’ya see my super sharp line shot at the end? It felt soo good.”

And just like that the three of them kept going. They left the arena and Hinata led them to a smaller coffee shop that he used to visit a lot and they sit down and just talk and it feels really good. Hinata missed them so much.

“It's your first time in Rio, right? You should definitely take some time and see the city if you have the time.”

“I definitely want to go to the beach!” Bokuto says as the same time as Sakusa mumbles, “I’m not setting foot on the beach.”

“The beaches are amazing here. You should play some beach volleyball, actually. I’d be happy to destroy you both of course.” 

Hinata grins as Sakusa's annoyance at the sheer implication he’d be easy to defeat is clearly shown on his face, and Sakusa huffs. “Getting sand everywhere is just annoying.” But he doesn't sound as convinced as earlier. Hinata probably could break him with a few more tries. Later maybe.

“I’m going to meet with my old beach partner and also coach to play a bit. Maybe we’re lucky and our schedules align and you can come with us! Kageyama is coming too and I cannot wait to see the King of the court stumble all over the sand.”

Bokuto laughs. “I’m assuming you're still keeping your tally.”

“Obviously.”

“Obviously ridiculous,” Sakusa mumbles but everyone heard him.

They stick around for a little more until it's getting a little too late and all of them have to get back for their meetings with their teams and coaches. Hinata urges them to tell everyone he said hi as the they go their separate ways to their hotels and Hinata feels light and happy. It felt good to meet his old friends and he was excited for tomorrow when he’ll finally be able to play.

The meeting doesn't take too long. They’ll be playing against a team from the US who have a very offense-heavy play style but are on average shorter than Asas. (Although, Hinata really lowers that average as he is at least a solid 20 cm shorter than everyone except their libero, if not more.)

The coaches tell them to get enough rest and even though Lucas tries to convince Hinata to go out with him for a bit, Hinata can't be lured no matter how good his mood is. It's late now anyway and Hinata promised to go for a run with Kageyama the next morning. Hinata falls asleep easily that night.

The World Championship has only just begun and the next morning, Asas finally has their first match.

They do their warm-ups in the sub-arena they rented and Hinata is thrumming with excitement, more than ready to go and finally play. 

The arena is loud when they step out, fans cheering their names, and their band playing their team’s song and of course there are a lot of spectators for them here, as a Brazilian team. 

They’re doing some last minute stretches and a little team talk, and then wait for the other team to get ready as well, walking onto the court and loosely standing in their positions.

Hinata can pinpoint the exact moment Lucas spots Oikawa in the stands. He stops his stretches, grins, and throws a flying kiss up towards him. “Hey honey! Wish me luck!”

Hinata follows his gaze and he sees Oikawa who is positively seething and looks like he's this close to giving him the finger on national TV. Hinata rolls his eyes with a smile and Davi tells Lucas to cut it out.

Hinata also lazely looks through the crowd to see if he can spot Kageyama or someone else when his eyes fall on someone he didn’t expect to see.

Their eyes meet and lock onto each other and Hinata freezes in place as he stares right at Atsumu who is just staring back. Hinata vaguely recognizes the rest of MSBY around him but that doesn’t matter right now because it’s been a year since he’s seen Atsumu, since he looked into his eyes and he looked back, since they acknowledged each other face to face. 

It’s been a year and Atsumu doesn’t look angry or sad or anything like that. There isn’t any emotion on his face that Hinata can read, and Hinata doesn’t know what face he is making himself.

It’s been a year and Atsumu is here. A whole year and they’re just looking at each other.

“Shouyou!” An arm comes down on his shoulders and he is dragged to the side and Lucas’ smiling face is right in front of him. “Let’s go, we’re lining up, little partner.”

Hinata lets himself get pulled along but he turns his head to look back up but Atsumu isn’t looking at him anymore. Instead he’s looking to the side and Hinata can’t see his expression.

It doesn’t matter right now, Hinata tells himself, because he’s on court. He’s about to play volleyball, he’s about to fly. It’s his happy place.

And it’s easy to just let go when the whistle announces the start of the game and the ball is thrown up for serve. Hinata empties his head and slightly lowers his stance as he watches the ball shoot towards him and he bumps it up at a perfect position for the setter. 

Hinata runs and jumps and the ball is right there for him. Hinata makes the first point and the crowd calls out his catchphrase. “Voar Voar Shouyou!” The palm of his hand is red from the spike and it feels good. Hinata takes a deep breath and they’re up for serve.

The match goes well. They take the first set pretty quickly with the LA team still struggling with Davi’s power spikes and Hinata’s minus tempo quicks. They also seem to be unnerved by Hinata bumping up their attacks and serves with ease, luring their attackers to spike exactly where he wants the ball to be.

In the fourth set Lucas pulls off one of his risky moves by running after the ball that’s flying over their heads, and Lucas doesn’t even have to glance his way to let him know. Hinata jumps and when he’s at his highest point, the ball is right there for him. 

Hinata looks back at Lucas who is running back from outside of the court towards him, jumping over the dividers and holding up both of his hands for a double high five. 

The crowd yells out his nickname - Midas, hands of gold - as they celebrate. They’re at match point now and their momentum is in their favor. 

Just one more point. Hinata wishes it was even more. 

The match is over faster than Hinata can blink. It’s not a spectacular play, just a simple attack that’s blocked successfully and it’s over. Hinata squats down as the exhaustion of four sets crash into him and he is pulled up by someone with a clap on his shoulder to line up again. 

The teams shake hands and Hinata glances up to the stands again but Atsumu is gone. 

For a while, that’s how the tournament continues. 

Hinata meets up with Pedro after the second day during his free time and they spend some time together, and he also meets with his old coach before Hinata has to get back again. There are more matches, Hinata goes on a morning run with Kageyama and they race each other because they simply have to, and Hinata watches every MSBY match unless he’s playing himself or has to be somewhere with the team. 

On the fourth day, he meets with Heitor, and Bokuto and Kageyama tag along. (Sakusa could not be moved to join after all.) They play some beach volleyball together and it’s as satisfying as Hinata imagined. Kageyama keeps falling face first into the sand and he glares down at it like the beach personally has it out for him and it’s a good afternoon. 

When they get back, they manage to catch Oikawa’s match halfway and Oikawa is in top form as usual. Hinata can’t wait to play him soon as well. Lucas finds them at some point and unsurprisingly, Bokuto and Lucas hit it off immediately even with the slight language barrier. They get dinner together and Bokuto asks about all of Lucas’ tattoos (which he has many littered all over his arms, his neck and chest) and it’s another good evening before they have to part ways once again.

Hinata goes to bed early because tomorrow is a big day. Tomorrow the quarterfinals begin. Only eight teams are left. Only a few more days before they leave Rio once again and Atsumu, too, will leave and go back to Japan. Not that Hinata even attempted to make contact apart from their weird staring contest a few days ago.

They win their game, it’s against Ushijima’s team, and it’s a close thing but Hinata expected that. Playing against Ushijima has never once been easy, but Hinata can proudly say that he has yet to lose against him. The two of them hang back afterwards to briefly talk and that’s how Hinata happens to see the end of the match on the court next to theirs. 

MSBY is celebrating their win against the team from Chile and Hinata almost walks over to congratulate them when the meaning of their win starts to settle in. 

It means they're going to play against them. MSBY and Asas are going to face each other in the semi-finals. For the first time in years, ever since Hinata's second year of high school, Hinata is going to play against Atsumu.

  
  


“You're freaking out.”

“I have no idea what you're talking about!” 

That's a lie and everyone knows it. For several minutes now, Hinata has been pacing around his room, trying to find anything to distract him until he couldn't take it anymore. He called Oikawa and Lucas to his room.

The two of them are currently sitting on Hinata's bed and watch him walk around aimlessly, and for once they’re not bickering, too worried about him apparently.

“How about you sit down for a second?” Oikawa tries but Hinata can't do that because there must be something to do around here. Sitting down is not an option.

“It's not like it's the first time _ever_ you're gonna play against him,” Lucas throws in and Hinata stops in the middle of the room to stare at him.

“Yeah, since _high school!_ Back when we didn't date and then had a bad break-up and broke off contact for a year.”

Apparently, Oikawa has had enough. He gets up from the bed and grabs Hinata by his shoulders. “First of all, you're gonna take a deep breath now. Go on. In and out.”

He waits, hands still on Hinata's shoulders, and Hinata takes two or three deep breaths before Oikawa continues.

“Yes, this is an uncomfortable situation but you knew that chances are high this would happen. You both play professionally on a high level, at some point this was bound to happen. And you came here to Rio _knowing_ he’s going to be here too. Also, this is volleyball. Volleyball makes you happy. Playing in matches makes you happy. And MSBY is a strong team so playing against them will be extra fun, right? I doubt the two of you will turn this into a drama right there on court, this isn't High School Musical.”

Behind them Lucas snorts at Oikawa's last comment, and Hinata starts to calm down more and more as he thinks about what Oikawa is saying. He's right. Of course he’s right. Volleyball makes him happy and he's not going to let anything take that away from him.

He’s going to go on court and play like he always does. He's won many times back when he was still in MSBY, so trying to take them down instead _was_ exciting.

Hinata takes another breath, in and out. “You're right. It's gonna be fine.”

Oikawa nods and lets go of his shoulders, looking proud and accomplished.

“Wow Tooru, you're so wise. I’ll come to you from now on for dating advice.”

Oikawa turns his head to glare at Lucas. “Please don't. I’m not interested to hear about straight romance.”

Lucas shrugs and grins. “Nothing romantic about my escapades.” 

Oikawa takes one of the pillows sitting on the armchair and straight up spikes at Lucas. “Stop talking like that! You're a child! What escapades!”

Lucas, having caught the pillow easily, laughs and throws it back. “I’ll have you know, I’m extremely popular. There's a reason they call me Midas. Hands of gold.” 

Oikawa and Hinata stare at him until it finally clicks and Hinata starts laughing while Oikawa starts yelling at him. Their Spanish gets a little too fast and intense for Hinata to follow though, he doesn't think Oikawa is actually saying something substantial.

Lucas manages to stop Oikawa from strangling him, holding him away with both arms while he turns to Hinata. “You should still get some workout to get rid of that pent up energy in you. Nothing crazy but maybe we can go to the beach or something. You in, Tooru?”

Oikawa considers, likely unsure if he wants to spend even more time with Lucas, but in the end he agrees and the three of them head out.

“Oh, maybe Tobio wants to join us!” Lucas suggests while they enter the elevator and Oikawa makes a strangled sound behind them.

“Absolutely not, I have my limits!”

They start bickering again and Hinata just watches them, feeling a lot better already, and grateful to have the two of them to help him get grounded again.

They don't go all out at the beach since they’re going to need their energy for the semis tomorrow but it's good fun and Hinata always feels better about himself and the world when he's by the sea. It's especially fun because Oikawa and Lucas do not stop bickering for even a second. 

The sea calms him and the vast horizon is comforting once again today.

He feels a lot more at ease even when he's back in his hotel room too, alone this time, and he falls asleep easier than expected thanks to the light workout from playing at the beach earlier and his tired muscles pull him to sleep.

He still feels okay the next day, when he's getting ready and warming up with the others and maybe it hasn't really hit him yet.

Lucas sticks to his side and sends him a wink or reassuring smile whenever their eyes meet and Hinata wishes he could tell him that it's okay, that he’s fine, but Hinata isn't even sure if he really is fine. He's weirdly calm. There is of course the familiar jitter in his muscle that he gets before every match, and his feet can't seem to stand still but that's nothing unusual either. But he's not freaking out. Not like yesterday. His head is clear and he feels leveled and good. 

They start their warm-ups and the ball feels good in his hands. His jumps are solid, and he can see the entire court clearly. He can hear the crowd cheering, can hear the band, can feel Lucas’ hand on his back as they line up.

Hinata looks ahead and he sees his old teammates who all grin at him and Hinata isn't pretending when a smile of his own appears on his face as he looks back.

This is volleyball and volleyball makes him happy.

They go up to shake hands and he exchanges quick words with everyone, he does a little handshake with Bokuto, and winks at Sakusa.

And then he stands in front of Atsumu.

He looks up at him as their hands meet, and Atsumu looks back.

There are so many things Hinata wants to say. _I’m sorry. I miss you. I’m excited. I’m happy. I’m sad. Are you happy? Are you sad? Do you miss me?_

_I love you._

_Do you love me?_

It’s only a second and Hinata has to move on. They let go and Hinata shakes Thomas’ hand next. 

They move back to their side of the court and Lucas is back at his side, holding out his fist.

“You ready, little partner?”

Hinata returns the fistbump and nods. “Of course.” And he means it.

They get into position and Atsumu is up to serve. When he silences the crowd, a shiver goes down Hinata's spine and he can feel his heart thumping away in his chest. But he isn't nervous, or worried. He's excited.

Atsumu is staring right at him as he tosses the ball up and Hinata watches the ball. _What is it going to be?_ he thinks. _Give me your best shot._

It’s far-fetched to think Atsumu could read his mind, but Hinata feels like Atsumu knows exactly what Hinata's thinking when the ball shoots towards him with more ferocity than Hinata remembered from him. He bumps it up, not as cleanly as he’d like, but it doesn't matter.

A huge grin appears on Atsumu's face and Hinata can't help but return it. 

Volleyball makes them happy. It's always been like that.

That's one thing nothing and no one will ever take from them. 

_Give me your best shot,_ is what Hinata thought. _I will always give you everything,_ is what Atsumu replied.

Hinata revels in the euphoria he feels during their match. It's fast paced and aggressive. Both teams have their power hitters, their solid defense, and kill blockers, all dancing around their highly skilled setters.

Atsumu and Lucas start going head to head early on and it reminds Hinata a bit of their matches against Oikawa. Lucas likes to provoke their opponents and it's clear that both Atsumu and Sakusa are very annoyed by him.

“Play nice,” Hinata warns him once, during a timeout in the second set (Asas took the first one) but there's no heat behind it, and Lucas knows it because he just shrugs.

“I’m not doing anything though? If they get mad, then that's not a me-problem.”

Hinata shoves him as they walk back on court. He looks back ahead and like metal to a magnet, his eyes meet Atsumu's again. It's been like this since their match started, the two of them always find each other like this and it makes Hinata's hair stand up. 

_More,_ he (they) think. Let's play more. _Give me more, show me more._

MSBY takes the second set with the score going into the thirties. Asas takes the third one again. They’re already in the fourth one and Hinata's breath starts to go heavier by now, and he's covered in sweat, but he isn't tired. He doesn't have enough yet. His legs still move easily and he still jumps high.

He loves the annoyed frown Sakusa gives him when he manages to receive a spike with extra spin. He enjoys Meian’s curse when Hinata switches from an attack motion to a tossing one in the last second, fooling the blockers in the best way possible. His cheeks hurt from grinning so wide when he fails to receive Atsumu's brutal hybrid serve and the ball ricochets off his forearms and flies out.

Their eyes always end up locked on each other, one way or another, and when they go into the fifth set, Hinata feels like he's going to explode any second from the tension between them. They're standing across from each other in this rotation, only a net separating them and Atsumu's stamina has always rivaled Hinata's own but he still can't outrun him. 

They stare at each other when they both jump up. Hinata for the attack, and Atsumu for the block, and they're so close, they're right there in front of each other and their eyes burn, everything burns.

_I love this. I love you. Give me more._

Lucas doesn't toss to him, using him as a decoy and Asas scores. Atsumu looks at where the ball hit their side of the court and then back at him.

“You got me,” Atsumu says in between breaths and Hinata's own stutters because it's the first thing Atsumu has said to him in a year. 

“Huh?”

“I couldn't help but jump, I really thought the toss would go to you. You're still the best decoy there is.”

Atsumu doesn't wait for a response as the game continues and Hinata has to stop himself from shaking. He isn't sure if it's because Atsumu finally talked to him or because of the words he said. It doesn't matter right now. Later, later. He can think about it later. He needs to clear his head.

Their eyes meet again, of course, and Hinata knows for sure that Atsumu can feel it too. This something, this feeling, between them ever since they shook hands before the match. Like a string that's being pulled at both sides and right now it's about to reach its limit. It's about to snap in two.

The match goes on, they run and jump, dive for the ball. There are cheers around them and Hinata's ears ring and he feels like he's slowly losing it because he feels so utterly _good_ and free right now.

There's another timeout and Hinata goes through a mental checklist. His thighs are starting to hurt a little but it's not unbearable. His knees feel good. His forearms are red and it's not going to go away for a while but that's nothing new. He's sweating a lot and the match has been going on for a while but he can do it. They can do it. Just one point. One more point. That's all they need and it's going to be over. 

One more point, and the string is about to snap. 

Hinata jumps again, the ball doesn't come to him, but it doesn't matter, onto the next play. Sakusa digs Davi’s spike, Hinata watches all the spikers run up. Synchronized attack, Hinata moves back to see better. It's difficult to tell, watch the ball, it's going to Bokuto, Hinata stands in for a cross shot but he feels like it's going to be a line shot. He moves, he digs it. He pushes himself up, looks around. The rally continues and they only need one more point. 

His eyes lock with Atsumu's. One more point. Hinata runs to the other side of the court and jumps and Atsumu is right there running after him, but Hinata has always been faster than him.

One more point.

Hinata's hand meets the ball and he goes for it.

Hinata lands on his feet and they almost give in under him.

He scored. It's over.

The string snaps in two.

Everything after is a blur to Hinata. It's like his body is only going through the motions on autopilot as he takes a shower and changes. He registers the voices of his teammates and he answers but he wouldn't be able to remember what was said later on. His mind is still reeling from the match, from everything that happened, from the string snapping, so he can't help but hurry out the locker room.

His phone is in his hand, and Hinata deleted their chat, but he opens a new one without hesitation and types out. 

_Can we meet?_

_Please?_

_Let’s meet by locker room 7 block B._

And Hinata runs. His legs hurt from the long match, but he runs. He has to. 

He ignores the looks people give him, ignores someone calling his name, ignores the pain in his muscles, the wild thumping of his heart.

He runs and runs until he can see Atsumu standing alone in an empty hallway, and Atsumu looks up and their eyes meet so easily once again.

Atsumu grabs Hinata's wrist and pulls him along through some door next to him, into some kind of supply closet, and the second they are inside Hinata drops his bag and reaches out.

Atsumu meets him halfway and they fall into each other, lips melting together and finally Hinata's legs give in but it doesn't matter.

Atsumu pushes him flush against the door and kisses him, holding him by his face and Hinata could cry as he takes in Atsumu's scent and touch. Takes in anything that's given to him. 

Hinata wraps his arms around Atsumu to try to pull him even closer even though it's not possible anymore because Atsumu is already right there pressed against him.

“I want you,” Atsumu breathes into him and Hinata can't help but whimper.

If Atsumu asked, Hinata would have done it right here in the supply closet, but instead they manage to figure out that Atsumu's hotel is closer than Hinata's and they somehow pull away to leave together.

They don't speak as they almost run out of there, and Atsumu is still gripping Hinata's hand so tightly, all the way back to the hotel. It's just a short walk but it feels like an eternity. To walk back to the hotel, through the lobby, into the elevator, six floors up, down the hall, Atsumu's hand is shaking as he opens the door.

It’s all a haze once they're finally inside. They're both a mess, both rushing like they're running out of time. Pulling at each other to take off their clothes and fall into Atsumu's bed.

Atsumu hovers over him, mouth gliding all over Hinata's body and Hinata doesn't care if he's loud or if someone can hear them. 

“Tsumu.” Hinata moans his name. _Give me more._

Atsumu moves back up and kisses him, hands cupping Hinata's face while his thumbs stroke over his cheeks so gently. Atsumu was always gentle in bed. Hinata still remembers.

“Shouyou,” Atsumu whispers back, mouth barely touching him, and it's all Hinata wanted to hear. He wanted to hear Atsumu call his name.

_I am selfish. Give me more._

Atsumu keeps kissing him, even as his hand wanders down. Atsumu still knows how to touch him right, still knows all the places that make Hinata's heart race and make him melt.

 _I want, I want, I want, “_ I want to touch you too.”

Atsumu turns onto his back and pulls Hinata on top of him and Hinata starts to litter kisses all over Atsumu's body. He's so beautiful, he feels so good under him.

Hinata looks up as he takes Atsumu into his mouth and the way Atsumu looks at him – it could break someone's heart. Tenderness, arousal, longing, and Hinata wants to eat it all up. He wants all of it.

He reaches up and Atsumu takes his hand, and they both tighten their holds onto each other because yes, it's tender, it's arousing, and they're longing, but most of all it’s urgent.

It’s that urgency that has Atsumu pull Hinata off him, has them turn around again, makes them kiss until their lips hurt. Atsumu embraces all of him when he pushes inside and Hinata closes his eyes. It's been so long, it's been a year, and Hinata has yearned for this.

Atsumu kisses the place where Hinata's neck and shoulder meet because he knows that's where he is sensitive. He whispers his name over and over again into his ear because he knows Hinata loves his voice. He leans back to take in all of Hinata under him, watch him pant and squirm with every thrust.

It feels so good. It's perfect. Hinata wants more. _I am selfish. I’m so selfish. Give me more._

_Give me more. Give me everything._

Hinata is selfish because he demands and takes, he always has. He took everything Atsumu gave him and Atsumu has always given him his everything. Atsumu, who is so considerate, so gentle and selfless. Atsumu who breaks his back on court to accommodate his spikers. Atsumu who fights with his brother over happiness. Who grows soft under praise. 

Hinata took so much from him and in the end it broke them apart. Because Atsumu is selfless and gives, and Hinata is selfish and takes. 

Even now he takes Atsumu's kisses and his gentle touches. Takes this moment, likely their last one, before Atsumu will leave again. And Hinata deleted their chat, and Atsumu will go back and they will exist in different parts of the world because Hinata took too much because he took it all for granted. 

“Shouyou?”

Atsumu's worried voice brings Hinata back to the here and now. At some point his mind had slipped away and he didn't notice that he started crying. No he isn't just crying, he is sobbing.

“Shouyou, what is it? Am I hurting you?” 

Atsumu is worried and he's still giving. Another sob rocks through Hinata's body and he shakes his head.

“I’m so sorry. Tsumu, I’m so sorry.” Hinata covers his eyes with his arm and curls into himself as more sobs take over him and he starts shaking.

“Hey, Shouyou, what is it, what's going on?” Atsumu carefully pulls out of him and he pushes Hinata's arm away to take his face into his hands. Hinata can barely make out Atsumu's face through his tears, but he can see his worried eyes directed at him. It makes him cry even harder.

“I’m so sorry I’m so selfish. I’m sorry I took so much from you and took it for granted. After this you will be gone again because I took so much from you.”

There's no immediate response, only gentle hands holding him, two thumbs wiping over his wet cheeks, so Hinata continues. He pours it all out.

“I’m sorry for not telling you about my plans to leave. I’m sorry for keeping it to myself. I’m sorry for forgetting about our anniversary. I’m sorry for forgetting about you. I’m sorry for not getting it earlier, for hurting you, for taking so much. I love you so much, I still love you so much. Because I’m selfish and always want more. I still love you because I can't– I can't just–” Hinata chokes a little as he sobs again. “I couldn't let go of you because I don't know how. I only know how to take.” 

Hinata can't say any more because his throat hurts and Atsumu takes him into his arms and it hurts even more because why is he still so good, why is he still giving him more?

Atsumu lets him cry in his arms. He moves them so they're lying on their sides and his arms hold Hinata safe and good while Hinata's tears and pain accumulated over the past year pour out of him. 

Atsumu is so warm, his arms feel so sure, and Hinata is afraid to stop crying because then Atsumu will let go of him.

“Shouyou,” Atsumu finally says when Hinata's tears grow quieter. “I have not stopped loving you for a single moment. I don't think I know how that works. To not love you.”

Hinata swears his mind must be playing tricks on him because it can't be. It can't be right that the answer to all of Hinata's questions he’s been asking and pondering over is ‘yes.’

Yes, I still love you. Yes, I miss you. Yes, I think about you. Yes, I want you? Just a little bit, just a fraction, a second, a single moment. At all.

“Yes, you're selfish, Shouyou-kun,” Atsumu continues. “But I knew that and I love that too. ‘Cause you were the one to finally take everything I was willing to give. You know me. I don’t give my everything to just anyone.”

Slowly, Hinata moves back a bit and looks up and he finds Atsumu is already looking at him. And he's smiling but he looks sad too.

“Are you happy, Atsumu?” Hinata asks even though he's scared of the answer.

“Yes, sometimes.”

“Not all the time?”

“No, that’d be impossible.”

Hinata knows what he means. “Me too. I’m sometimes happy too.”

They don't have to say it or spell it out. They know what that means.

“I don't regret coming here.”

Atsumu nods. “I know. I never would have stopped you from leaving either.”

Hinata nods. “I know.”

Hinata's eyes hurt, and a tear or two still spills out and Atsumu is there to catch them and wipe them away.

“I love you, Shouyou. I always will.” 

Atsumu says he loves him and Hinata should be happy but he knows what Atsumu means. What he's trying to say.

“I love you too.”

And it's quiet after that. They stay in each others arms, they sometimes kiss, but don't really talk because Hinata's throat feels sore and Atsumu still holds him in case he starts crying again.

“I kept reading our texts for months,” Hinata admits, after not speaking at all for an hour. “I watched all your matches and interviews. I saved every photo and article about you. At some point I noticed that I was so stuck that I had to delete them and force myself to not surround myself with you. I typed out a message to reach out again and again but I was too scared to send it.”

Atsumu looks a little surprised, a little flattered, and a little sad. 

“It was pretty much the opposite for me. I couldn't look up anything about you because it just– It was too upsetting. So I didn't watch any of your matches and didn't check your socials. The only times I heard about you was sometimes through Bokkun but he was careful not to directly mention you, but I knew. When I saw you for the first time again here, I thought I was going crazy. I didn't even know what to feel. And before our match today, I was a mess, Omi-kun almost slapped me. But during it–”

“It was really good, right? The tension, the entire match–”

“Yes! It was awesome. Even though we lost, it was still amazing. It's never boring to face you. Even back in high school. Even when you kind of sucked.”

Hinata lightly kicks him and Atsumu laughs.

“Just kinda! You were still amazing. I knew back then that you were someone I wanted to play with. You moved me.”

Atsumu runs his fingers through Hinata's hair and Hinata closes his eyes.

“What now?” Hinata asks, keeping his eyes closes. 

“Now? Obviously you're still amazing–”

“You know what I’m talking about.”

Atsumu sighs. “I know, I know. I’m just a coward ‘cause I don't wanna face it yet.”

Hinata can understand that. He feels the same.

“You love me, and I love you. You're going back to Japan in a few days, and I’m staying here.”

It’s a sobering statement but it's the truth. This is the talk they were supposed to have over a year ago. It's long overdue.

Hinata knows neither of them is going to propose long-distance. But they also don't want to end it. It's so difficult when it shouldn't be. They love each other but–

“I guess our timing just isn't right.”

And that was the problem.

“But, at least we’re gonna see each other a lot more from now on.”

Hinata frowns and looks up at Atsumu. “What do you mean?”

“Because of the national team? There are loads of tournaments and training camps and stuff after all.”

Hinata stares at him, blinking once. Twice. “What? I’m not on the national team, Atsumu. Wait. Are _you_ on the national team? Since when?!”

Atsumu starts and looks at him in surprise. “But you got the offer, though? Tetsu-kun already told me. It's not like you're gonna turn that down.”

Hinata still just _stares_ and he slowly sits up because his heart is beating a little too fast right now _._ “What offer? I didn't get an offer.”

Atsumu follows him. “But– Huh? Are you sure? Tetsu-kun _definitely_ told me a few days ago that the offers are going out soon and that you're on the roster. I got mine too! Omi-kun and Bokkun too!”

Hinata feels like his heart is about to beat out of his chest. “Atsumu, I didn't get one. Trust me, I’d _know.”_

Hinata still crawls over to the end of the bed to find his pants and, God, why did they have to throw their clothes all over the place? Where are his clothes? Where is his phone?

“Maybe they haven't sent all of them out yet? We were easier to reach in Japan and all.”

Hinata finally found his pants and he fishes out his phone and opens his mails because he didn't check those since yesterday because he was busy freaking out, and then he went to the beach, and then the match happened and then this and–

“Oh my God.”

Hinata almost drops his phone again. There is an email from the Japanese Volleyball Association, dated yesterday and still unread.

Hinata's hands are shaking.

“Oh my God. Holy shit.” 

“So you got it? Oh thank God, that would have been so horrible if I got it wrong somehow but that’d be _impossible_ how could they not invite you–”

Hinata shuts him up by pressing their lips together. His phone is left behind him somewhere on the bed with that goddamn email still open and Hinata can't stop kissing Atsumu.

“Don't stop loving me,” he blurts out once they part. “Please, I know I’m selfish again but don't stop loving me. I’m still here in Brazil and who knows if I’m going to stay here or not or go back to Japan or to somewhere else. I don't know. But don't stop loving me because I promise you,” Hinata presses his forehead to Atsumu's. “I _promise_ you, no matter where I go, I will always come back to you.”

He knows it's selfish to ask for something like that, but Lucas was right when he said that Hinata is meant to fly. He can't promise things like ‘I’ll move back to Japan for you,’ because that's not where his wings are taking him now.

But right now, with this new offer, a new path has opened up for him, and Hinata knows that even when he flies all over the world, he will eventually have to land and pause before continuing on, and maybe someday (whenever that may be) he’ll find his home and rest for good. If that day comes, he knows it's wherever Atsumu is.

Atsumu gives him another kiss and smiles against him. “Pretty sure I told you that I don't know how to not love you.”

Hinata's hands are shaking, his entire body is shaking. “I will be gone a lot for this team.”

“But we're gonna play together on the national team.”

“I will come and leave.”

“And we’ll play _against_ each other too. Just like today.”

“I don't know when I’ll find rest.”

“I love you, no matter what.”

“I’m going to be selfish again.”

“I said I love you. _No matter what.”_

“What if I hurt you again?”

Atsumu sighs. “Shouyou, just say that you love me too. I promised that I won't stop loving you, so just say it back and put on that ring I know you kept.”

Hinata's mouth falls open. “Are you proposing to me?”

“No? I mean not really?” Atsumu laughs. “Just see it as a promise. Maybe someday it can mean more.”

“You told me that you wanted to marry me someday.”

Atsumu blushes and looks to the side. “Well, yeah. I wasn't gonna propose to you or anything on that day. I bought that ring because I’m lame and cheesy and thinking about asking you one day. Right now it's definitely not a good idea.”

Atsumu looks back to him and takes Hinata's hand, his thumb rubber over his ring finger. “We should take it slow and see how things will work from now on. You told me to not stop loving you and I said I won't. Maybe one day. One step at a time.” 

One step at a time. Hinata could do that. Hinata wanted to do that. 

“I won't stop loving you,” Hinata finally says.

And it's a promise.

**Author's Note:**

> i commissioned an amazing artist to draw what lucas looks like [here](https://twitter.com/msby_twt/status/1325852330361839622?s=21)


End file.
